Gary Miles Reveals His Unique Journey of Struggling with Addiction to Becoming a Successful Attorney

Pamela Bardhi
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of underdog, today I have an incredible guest here with me, Gary, how are you?

Gary Miles
I’m doing just awesome. Pam, just fantastic.

Pamela Bardhi
Thank you so much for being here. Welcome to underdog. We’re gonna have a lot of fun today and just hear about your story and your awesomeness. So I’m pumped. Thank you so much. So I start off with the most loaded question known to man as my first question. What led you on your path to where you are today? What inspired your journey?

Gary Miles
Wow, that’s a tough question. I’ve been around for a few years. I’ve been a lawyer for over four decades. So it’s kind of accumulation of experiences. But I think I got to a point in my life, where my more important goal was serving others and helping others rather than taking care of my needs. And part of that was I got to an age where my fundamental needs were taken care of. But I developed a passion for being of service to other people. And when I do that, I feel fulfilled, nourished, happy and complete.

Pamela Bardhi
That’s incredible. Gary, so question for you. What did you want to be when you grew up,

Gary Miles
I always wanted to be a lawyer, I followed in the steps of my brother, went to the same law school. He was a lawyer, nine years older than me. I was blessed with really good intelligence, kind of little bit of my story. As a kid growing up, I came from a middle-class family. My parents were very generous in giving us good education. But I was very, very heavy. For my age, I sort of stood out by being fat, I wear really nerdy glasses. And I was extremely smart. The combination of the three of them led to a lot of bullying, a lot of being picked on. That really affected me, throughout my life.

And It’s bizarre to me. It’s amazing how many years it took me to both identify that process and grow through it. I think that colored a lot of my actions in my early life. So I was driven to succeed. And I did extremely well, in high school, college, and law school. In fact, I was number one in each of those classes. And I just had this passion to be as good as I could be. To prove all those who call me pugs, Lee and Arnold and all these other names.

I remember as a kid coming home and crying to my mom about how I was treated. And she would put out the usual euphemisms about, oh, but they really like you. You only pick on those you like and all those things. But I think that really affected a lot of how I grew up. So I always wanted to be a lawyer and was blessed with the opportunity to kind of be any lawyer that I wanted to be.

Pamela Bardhi
That’s incredible. Thank you so much for sharing that, Gary. And in terms of your experience, I can relate to you a lot on the bullying front. Because I was actually bullied in middle school growing up. Nobody believes me when I say this, but up until seventh grade, I was very reserved, very quiet, kind of really kept to myself. I was always a different kid. Like, at home, my life was different because we came to US when I was five. And when I was going home from school, I would walk home, and then I’d watch everyone get picked up because your parents are hustling and whatever.

So I always felt like the oddball kind of out. But words really do hurt. They really do, no matter what anybody says. I can speak to that firsthand being bullied. I just remember to this day I have the names burned in my head of who it was that bully man. Even though I’ve forgiven them and all that, you never forget how that made you feel. Even though that was however many years ago. So I appreciate you mentioning that because that happens throughout our society so much. Especially now with all this instant gratification of social media things can get that much worse.

Gary Miles
But they really can if people focus on that. How many likes they get? How popular someone is? We compare our secrets and our insides to other people’s outsides. No, they don’t. But on social media, the pictures they don’t want you to see where they lose their temper or spill the spaghetti, they’re putting up the picture of perfection. And I think that can actually increase that feeling of inadequacy or insecurity and a lack of authenticity. And how we interact with people because we all think social media is great.

That’s how you and I connected through my favorite platform, which is LinkedIn, but it has its downsides. And I think you’re right that I think a lot of folks on social media really can feel distraught because I don’t look as good as that other person. I mean, look what they’re posting. And of course, there’s another side to their story, too, that doesn’t get posted.

Pamela Bardhi
Absolutely. And that’s the whole reason I started this podcast because I was so sick and tired of people looking especially entrepreneurs in particular. You know, making it all make seven figures in six months. We all know that it’s garbage. Grit and hard work and all this stuff before you can get to the Lamborghinis and the private jets and all this awesomeness. But it resonated significantly when you mentioned the bullying because it really does affect you.

Gary Miles
And how it kind of affects me now is I have a passion to help those who are underserved and underappreciated. Who maybe haven’t gotten the same chance, who maybe didn’t have a chance to go to law school as I did. Or who maybe grew up in a neighborhood that wasn’t as healthy or strong or supportive as my family was. So I always kind of lookout for those folks who I think I can be a service. Who may not have a good support structure around them just to see if there’s some way I can be of service.

Pamela Bardhi
Absolutely, Gary and another thing you mentioned was that you want to be a lawyer since you were young. Every single person that I’ve interviewed, that is an attorney lawyer, I’ve asked them what do they want to be when they grew up? Oh, lawyer. That’s it. Now, how do you guys know this at such a young age?

Gary Miles
Good question. For me, it was mostly my brother. I like the concept of being of service and helping people. Kind of learned that the legal system isn’t always as helpful. Always a great opportunity to be of service, depending on what kind of law your practice. I sort of reinvented myself as a lawyer about 11 years ago. And I go from doing one kind of work to doing mostly family law. And my reason for doing that was partly business. Because I’m in a small firm that I’ve been running for a good period of time. But I had too much dependence on too few clients.

And it was more important to me to get diversity financially. But more important than that, is really to help people. And I’m not a proponent of divorce, I don’t encourage it, I don’t try to make it happen. But when I have a client who’s struggling, who feels overwhelmed, who feels alone. Who feels like no one’s listening to him or her, who can’t see the solution. Can’t see their way out of the forest that they’re in, are tired of all the nastiness to name-calling. I like to help them. I like to paint a vision for them and what their life can be like, I like to give them homework to do, go to work, do a good job.

Be a great parent, go to the soccer game, route your kid one, send me the stuff I need when I need it. And other than that, ignore everything else. Let me do the worrying. Let me do the work. And we’ll get you there. This is what it’s going to look like three to five years from now. It’s not gonna happen overnight. Emotions change, feelings change. I just find I can be of incredible service in this arena. It fuels my sense of satisfaction to be of help. For me in the legal field, this is the best Arena in which I can really help another person. They may have been right or they may have been wrong, I don’t care. But if they’re a good person who’s just trying to get through it, I like to help them.

Pamela Bardhi
That’s incredible. And so when you graduated law school, did you go straight into the small practice? Or what was your trajectory like at the beginning of your career and versus where it is now?

Gary Miles
Yep. So I could have gone clerked in federal court for a year, which is sort of a plum job. I could have gone to what’s called Big law, one of the big firms. Don’t really know exactly why I didn’t do that. But that was never really a consideration for me. Every one of the other law clerks in my class went to a big law firm. I think partly at heart. I’m an entrepreneur from the beginning. And I wanted to have some control over my existence. Want to work with the people I wanted to work with where I had some direct involvement.

Also, I wanted to be a trial attorney in a smaller firm that has a greater diversity of cases. You can often get a lot more trial experience. So I tried a lot of cases. I returned to a small firm but after a couple of years, I realized to be a trial attorney, I had to move to a different firm with folks. I already knew I was the junior guy, but I learned to do serious personal injury work. And I liked it, I was good at it. It’s a very stressful profession.

I guess everything I imagine, your field has its own stress as to. If I was the star football player on playing the Super Bowl, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna feel a little anxious, even though this is what I do. And I’m like the best at it. So you know, it involves some stress, but I really liked them. I like trial work but then transitioned out of that into Family Law.

Gary’s Career And Personal Challenges Throughout His Journey

Pamela Bardhi
I love that Gary, and what were some of your career challenges as well as personal challenges throughout your journey of life.

Gary Miles
So, career challenges, I think you probably know from running your own businesses, it’s nice to be self-employed. It’s nice to have your own business. It’s not without its own stresses. If I work for the state of Maryland, I have a guaranteed job. I’d have a guaranteed income. I’m not gonna lose my job or lose my income. But in a small firm, you’re always worried about paying the bills, getting the business.

I had a major client who I had a great relationship for many, many years. They loved my work, I got great results for him. But they brought in a different person to run the company. And he just wanted to work only with attorneys. He’d worked with Raybin before. So I lost about 70% of my book of business. And I think I could do this and no, nothing you can do. You did great work. It’s just a relationship thing. He wants to work with people he knew. That was very scary. But I kind of learned that things always work out how they’re supposed to.

So in terms of my personal challenges, I kind of talked about my youth growing up. It affected me in some ways that weren’t really very healthy. Part of it was I became a people pleaser. Because I had been not well-liked as a kid who does want to be well-liked. What’s the best way to be well-liked? Well, whatever Pam needs, I’m gonna try to be that kind of person for Pam. And then I see jack, and whatever jack wants me to be, he wants me to be different. He wants me a tough guy, I try to be a tough guy, I could be whatever people want to be. And I lost my soul of who I was.

Because I was trying to be who everyone else wanted to be to make them feel better and happy. And if they’re happy, they’re gonna like me. Well, what happened is I kind of lost my soul. But also, I’ve learned you can’t make everybody happy. You just can’t, people are gonna feel how they’re going to feel. If I was going to act a certain way to someone hoping to get a response back, I often didn’t get it. That was a really unhealthy way to live. I was too focused on other people, and what they thought of me. How can I make them happy? How can I get some affirmation back from them? And I realized it can’t come from other people. I also had a way, maybe it’s because I was fairly intelligent.

But it was really a sort of nice arrogance, where I wanted to help everyone fix your life. I knew what you needed in your life, I was gonna suggest to you, why don’t you do this? Why don’t you do that? And instead of controlling my life, I was focused on others. That was really wrong too. Everybody has their own life and their own journey. And if I can be of help in that great, but it was a little more than that. It wasn’t a rude or overbearing way. But it was sort of the subtle, fake niceness where I would try to do that. I guess the other biggest thing is, I’m now recovering alcoholic. I’ve been sober for quite some time. And that was a real problem.

Alcohol had complete control over my life. I would say I was going to have a drink. And have too many I wasn’t going to drink that I drink. I used to think I was lousy because I drank so much that I was a bad person. I’ve learned now that I have a disease, and I didn’t drink because at some point I drank by choice. At some point, I crossed a line. Then I was drinking because I had to, and I don’t know when that was, why it happened. It doesn’t really matter. But I lost all power control over drank. And I was truly powerless. It made many ways of my life unmanageable, not necessarily on the outside, I still had a job. Was still a good lawyer and still had my family.

But in many, many ways. Other things became more important to me then than they should have been. So I had the great pleasure of getting sober some years ago. It truly was a miraculous gift from my God, because I tried for a long time to get sober. Sometimes I’d say we get sober and I want to stop drinking. And I didn’t blame him, but most times I really did, but I didn’t know how to. So I’m very grateful for that and that when you ask for kind of a key point in my life. That was a key time in my life. It’s a process, it’s not an event or a date. It’s a real process of personal growth and change and transformation.

And some of those things I really struggled with before, like being a people pleaser. I’ve lost that. People like me for what I do or who I am. If they don’t, that’s really okay. It doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t mean I’m gonna be bad. Because I don’t care doesn’t mean that. It just means I’m gonna be who I am. Most people will think that’s a good thing. And I’ve learned that I have no control over everyone in my life. They’re going to be how they’re going to be, I can be as nice as I want to be, I can be as helpful as I want to be. But sometimes I don’t get back what I think I deserve. That’s okay, that happens. There are people who were unfair to us or people who are unreasonable.

And I’ve kind of learned that often that’s not personal. Because that person has their own stuff, their own issues, their own childhood experiences. Things that I don’t know and can’t understand. It doesn’t matter. So kind of what I do when I have that situation. I used to really use my brains and my logical training. To think I have every right to resent somebody for treating me the way they did. And I would replay that on my mind and get bigger control. Much more than I’m giving my happiness over to someone who was very nice to me, that’s kind of stupid.

So I’ve learned now to let that go, I pray for that person. Because there’s something going on in their life. Pray for them to be better, and move on. And now I realised that the only person I really need to please is myself and my God. Do the best job I can one day at a time. And my sense of happiness, self-satisfaction, and fulfillment can’t come from somebody else. It could come from playing a really good round of golf. But generally, it has to come from within somehow. It has to come from what I’m doing what I’m experiencing, my own sense of acceptance. And acceptance, to me is really the key to everything in life accepting circumstances being what they are.

So right now we got the 17-year locus cultic that isn’t in Baltimore. People have to accept that because they’re going to be here for another couple of weeks. I really practice a lot of acceptance. People, places, things, and circumstances. So it’s probably a long-winded answer. I apologize for that. But that’s kind of my journey.

Pamela Bardhi
I love that. Gary, thank you so much for sharing that you mentioned quite a few things. I would like to touch on one of them being the people-pleasing. It’s such a fine line. And it’s like, what’s too much? what’s too little? Because sometimes, if you do too much, you’re doing too much. But if you do too little, then you’re seen as an aihole. Right? Like how did you find that balance of the boundary setting and kind of stopping the people-pleasing? But still, being somebody who’s pleasant but not overextending? It’s such a hard line to define. And I’m just curious of how that worked out for you?

Gary Miles
Well, for me, it comes from what’s my motivation. So my wife is an incredibly generous person. I’ve learned so much from her. She’s the kind of person who when Pam sick, she’ll bring some chicken noodle soup and leave in front porch without telling you that you did that. I’m not nearly that good. But I’ve learned that I do something nice for somebody because I expect something back. That’s people-pleasing. And in the days gone by what I expected back was your friendship. Your Thank you. And maybe something more. And then you don’t have a friendship, you have a debtor-creditor relationship. I did some for Pam.

So now, Pam, what are you gonna do for me? That’s not good and not healthy. That’s not it’s not a win-win, that’s a lose-lose. And if I don’t get it, I’m gonna be upset. So I think it really has to do with my motivation. I think doing nice things for people is really healthy and good. As long as I’m not doing it for some improper purpose, like making myself feel good. Like I should help you out have a genuine, sincere, authentic purpose of being helpful. Not because I’m looking for some inner satisfaction.

Pamela Bardhi
That makes sense. I’m still working on this, of the definition of how do you not people- please and how do you set your boundaries. Because people are always asking but I’m still struggling with this. People are asking you to be part of this and then you want to help them. Then you get overextended and that’s when your life goes. There’s all these things. I hadn’t heard that before. I really do like that and how did you go about setting those boundaries, Gary? Because I know that’s one of the hardest things to do. Like first recognizing it that you are people-pleasing. And Then second, how do you change that?

Gary Miles
If my inner self is telling me I want to say no, that maybe I need to say no. And one of the hardest things for me is to say, No. I’d certainly be more on the side of doing something for someone I don’t want to do. And then maybe having an inner, like, I can’t believe, man asked me to do that. I’m kind of said, No, if I didn’t want to do it. So I think it’s something that comes from an intuition, a self-understanding of how I feel about the request. If it makes me uncomfortable, then I should say, Sorry, I can’t do that. That’s really okay.

And working at this for a while, I’m still not there. I still don’t have it, I still tend to say yes. Then get a little annoyed. Now I have to do this. Somebody asked me to move and I don’t want to do it. And I say yes. Then instead of helping out of a sense of generosity, I’m helping and being annoyed. So I think it really comes from my own inner feelings about whatever it is.

Pamela Bardhi
Interesting. Thank you for that insight, Gary, I appreciate that. And now, thank you so much for sharing about your journey with alcoholics. I know there’s so many people, millions of people that face addiction of some sort. How did you recognize that it was a problem? And how did you move past it? Obviously, recovery is the hardest thing.

Gary Miles
Well, for me, it happened when I had the first of what I call blackout. Which I completely forgot something that happened the night before that was very important and personal. And I couldn’t remember the next day, and I pride myself on being an intelligent person. So I was like, how could I not remember that and it scared me because I knew something was really wrong. It’s a combination of that. And repeated failures in controlling something I thought I had power over. Day after day and year after year realizing, it finally dawned on me. I’m powerless. I can’t do it.

Pamela Bardhi
And how did you move past that after you had that inner awareness? How did you go on the road to recovery?

Gary Miles
I’ve been recovering. And there’s a process for doing that really is very effective, as a matter of personal growth. An understanding and admission and making amends and giving back. One of the activities I love now is I’m one the Maryland State Bar Association, Lawyer Assistance Committee. And we try to identify folks in the legal profession. Whether they be judges, lawyers, or even law students who are struggling with any mental health issue could be depression or anxiety. We reach out to them and try to help them if we can.

That’s just a wonderful service. And it doesn’t always work. Because I’m no expert in alcoholism. I’m not trained in that field. But I have a lot of experience. But it’s a disease that tells us we don’t have a disease, we’re okay. It’s a disease of denial. So sometimes trying to help other people is frustrating, because most people know they need it, but they don’t see it themselves. So it works for people who want a different life.

And what I’ve learned is we could all have this miraculous transformation in our life. In whatever way, it may be whatever prison holds us back. We can all breakthrough and become the person we always dreamed of being. There’s no reason we can’t. The trouble is we get in our own head sometimes. And we tell ourselves, we’re not good enough. We’re not smart enough. We don’t have enough money, we don’t have enough education. And we tell ourselves these stories, and allow us to not become what we were intended to become. What we were empowered to become. We stop ourselves on our own without any assistance from anyone else.

Pamela Bardhi
Absolutely, yeah. I 100% agree with that. In your experience, say there’s somebody listening right now. That is either going through it or has a family member who’s going through it or a loved one, or friend. What would be your best piece of advice for that person to take the steps to recovery.

Gary Miles
Reach out to someone they know who’s in recovery, who can really understand. I always felt like I was alone. I drank alone, I drank in secret. And so I thought I was like the only one. So I think there are communities of people who have been through the same thing. The nice thing during the years that I’ve gotten sober, it’s gone from being a stigma to something that is valued. And when people are in recovery and living a healthy life, folks appreciate that. So folks will know someone who’s used to drink and don’t anymore. They can reach out to them and one-to-one personal contact is the best.

Pamela Bardhi
Absolutely. And aside from that, is there any other steps that you think would be helpful for somebody looking to break sort of that pattern?

Gary Miles
Well, there are all sorts of recovery centers and programs. And in this day and age, we can Google anything or even ads on TV. So there are plenty of resources out there. Addiction counselors and therapists and programs that could be helped. And I know Maryland lawyer Assistance Committee. Our mission is to get the word out to lawyers, and judges. And it’s confidential. It’s anonymous, it’s private, and it works. The biggest hurdle, once someone has made the decision, they want help. It’s not like it’s easy, but that’s the huge step, then it works.

Pamela Bardhi
Right. And I love that program, that addresses mental health. Because people think of attorneys and judges and these people are proper. They got everything together. Their life is good, and that they somehow don’t struggle. But they really are human too. So I love that you’re part of that organization that kind of takes down those standards and those stereotypes. And kind of says, like, hey, puts it on a human level and really breaks it down. Which I think is incredible. It’s so needed in this world. Wow, Gary, thank you so much. Your story’s incredible. And I love that you’re here to serve. That’s a really, really big thing. Now throughout your recovery, what has been some of your best moments, you would say?

Gary Miles
Well, I don’t know if they’re best moments, because that seems like, wow, look, what I did. Where I am in life now is I can’t ever be a top of the mountain thinking of all that. And I can never be in the dark valley thinking there’s no hope. I have to kind of stay balanced. So maybe my best moment is the fact that I haven’t really had one. That’s like, Whoa, now I’m really a top dog. So I think it’s a life of just creating some balance. I think my goal now in my life is to let people know that whatever, prisons ensnare them in their life. Whether it’s drugs and alcohol, food and nutrition. Whether it’s how they feel, their finances, their education, their limiting self-beliefs. That has to feel that way.

Everybody has a chance in this world to be who they want to be and to be successful. And it took me a long time to learn that. Because I was always telling myself stories about what I could do and couldn’t do. So it’s really my passion day to help people be free from whatever is holding them back. Whether it’s relationship, health, food, wellness. So part of my life now is I’m very big in health and wellness and fitness and nutrition. I did a really healthy nutrition program couple years ago. I’ve started a health and wellness business with my wife. We’re passionate that anyone who wants to look and feel their best that they have that opportunity. And we help them to do that.

And I’ve also seen it in your field. We’re talking to people on LinkedIn, but so many people aren’t really happy about their job. They either feel they’re not fulfilled, or they’re not appreciated. Or their job is tenuous. What if the company moves out of town, what if they downsize or they hire a new boss. Someone else owns their time, someone else tells them what they’re worth. And people chafe under that they’re not slaves, they have the right to leave and get a different job. But the reality is once they get an appointment, saying they’re kind of owned by whoever their employer is.

And I like people to know that there can be another way. they can have their own business. They can start their own life, and they can work with who they want to work with. And they can work with a supportive community people who lift them and encourage them and nurture them. So we started this Health and Wellness Business and love that there are people who are looking to have their own job. Their own business that they own, that they can build. Where there’s no limit to what they can do, and help them to be their best selves.

Pamela Bardhi
I love that Gary, I love that. And that was gonna be my next question to you is, you know, what are you up to like in the next six to 12 months? What’s happening in your world?

Gary Miles
Well, I’m still practicing full-time. I’m working hard in the health and wellness business. Because I think a couple of things I learned from COVID is each day is a gift. And there really is no guarantee like if someone said two years ago. This is how many people can die from this mysterious fire show. Like that’s the craziest thing we ever heard. That’s just not possible. It happened. And things can happen any time and I want to be as healthy as I can. For as long as I can. 66 I feel like I’m 46 I feel strong, I feel sharp. I love it and I want to help other people be as healthy as they want to be for as long as they can.

But I also realized people learned their jobs. You could invest money in a gym and put your heart and soul into it and all of a sudden, it’s like, you’re out of it for at least a period of time. And I’d like people to know that there could be another way. There could be another opportunity that really works for them. That they could really build and grow and be somewhat immune to things like that and it would be another mistake. I know, financial advisors always say diversification is important. And I think in your business, in real estate, you have multiple streams that you work with that fuel your success. If you put all your eggs in only one of them and something happened, interest rates change whatever, might be difficult. But you have a balance of different things that you do.

Too many of us have only one income stream. And most people are really successful, have multiple income streams. So that’s something I’m really focused on. Because I can help people to look and feel better. I’ve learned that nutritional health, gut health really leads to mental health. When I eat what we call comfort foods, I feel pretty uncomfortable. I mean, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel good. But when I eat healthily and I put in my body the right foods, I feel energetic, I feel strong, I feel I’ve done something good. And I can really help people look and feel better. But more than that, just to know that you can choose a business that you can create on your own.

Where there is no limit to what you’re able to accomplish, except you know how much you’re willing to work at it. So that’s my main passion, I’m thinking about starting my own podcast at some point. I’m thinking about writing a book at some point. I may alongside those who before them start my own coaching business to help people grow and develop. Because I want to have conversations with people. I realize how often they hold themselves back. And I know people like you and I. We can help folks. That we can help them realize that you can know what you think about can happen?

Pamela Bardhi
Absolutely. Gary, I love that I love everything that you’re up to and that you’re all about serving others as you have been your whole life. Which I think is so incredible and that you’re dedicated to impact. That’s absolutely remarkable. And I think you should write your book, you should start a podcast, you should do all of that. All of that my friend, you’d be an excellent coach, you’d be absolutely fantastic. So I’m excited to see your progress on that. And on that note, here’s my favorite question. What would your older self tell your younger self based on what you know Now?

Gary Miles
That’s a good question. Believe in yourself and believe in miracles happen. I mean, your life is miraculous, like who could have predicted where you would be now? 15 years ago? No one and miracles happens. And if we believe in that great result, it’s far more likely to happen. But if we think it’s not possible and kind of connected with that. We often judge our future, based on our past. I could never do this because I’ve never done it before. Well, if we always think that way, we’ll never get anywhere, because we’ll never get further than we used to be. So it’s important to really have a vision of what our future could look like if we wanted to.

Pamela Bardhi
Absolutely. I love that, Gary. Now everyone needs to know where to find you and your awesomeness.

Gary Miles
So my primary location is LinkedIn. Both LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook are under my name of Gary Miles. But LinkedIn is my main page. And I love to connect with anyone at any time. I’m always open to a Connect call with anyone. I love to meet new people and learn where they are and learn if we have any common interests.

Pamela Bardhi
Love it, Gary. Thank you so much for sharing that. And again, thank you so much for being here today. You are fantastic. Your story is so inspiring.